Funny

Queer Eye for the Tri Guy What’s the in thing for the with-it Tri Guy, now that the Mark Allen Spiderman top has gone the way of the Nehru jacket? Am I crazy, or is anybody else seeing polyester retro ski-suit neon that says, “Sure I’m tough, but I’m not afraid to sweat, either.” Little […]

How the Ironman Came to be in Kona Early in the first millennium, Polynesians “discovered” the Hawaiian islands. Now, the Polynesians had no compass, no sextant, and didn’t even know the earth was round. For water transportation, they used rafts. Considering that the Hawai’ian islands are three thousand miles from their native Tahiti, it’s fairly

Speaking Hawaiian (“Hawaiian language”) A tourist walks up to a native Hawaiian and says, “So is it Hawai’i or Havai’i?”      The native answers, ” Havai’i.” “Thank you,” says the tourist.      “You’re velcome,” replies the native.   Actually, I should have called this “Pronouncing Hawaiian.” Kona locals are enraptured with the Hawaiian language. Everywhere

Living With an Injured Iron Psycho Beast 6/2006 by Lee Gruenfeld A few years ago I wrote an article for Competitor Magazine entitled “A Word to the Triathlon Widow(er).” It was a highly idealistic and somewhat romantic plea to the spouses or Significant Others of Ironman athletes, urging them to be as understanding as possible

WHO’S IN T-1? 8/2006 KEVIN:  Okay, Lee…we’ve got a bunch of guys out of the water and in Transition 1! LEE: Terrific. Hey, Kevin, listen: Will you tell me the guys’ names in transition so when I see them get on the bike, I’ll know who they are? KEVIN: Sure. But you know, strange as

VISUALIZING YOUR RACE 10/2006 Blew it last year, didn’t you? Spent a whole year scheming and dreaming about The Big One, qualified on your third try, breathed several thousand miles of road dust and exhaust fumes, swallowed enough chlorine to disinfect Lake Superior and spent less time with your family than a Mir astronaut, then

Advice “no ka oi” (You can’t get better advice than this) 9/2006 I’ve never done an Ironman, or at least not a full one. But I have done pieces. There was the Romper Room One-Mile Fun Walk in Rahway, NJ, the Trike-Around-the-Block fundraiser for victims of psoriasis in Aruba, and I’ve been to the Splish

Mothers, don’t let your children grow up to be triathletes 12/2006 by Lee Gruenfeld Ah, just kidding. Of course you should let your children grow up to be triathletes. It’s just the kind of thing you want for the little tykes. The benefits are too numerous to count. Okay, not really…you can count them on

EXOTIC NEW IRONMAN VENUES Part 1: Da Race’a Da Bums 6/2007 It’s nice to know that the Iron powers that be are always on the lookout for exciting new locations for races, and they’ve sure come up with some creatively off-the-beaten-path sites. Of course, one man’s exotic is another’s ho-hum. Florida? Please. Their state bird

Why You Don’t Want To Do Ironman 10/2007 by Lee Gruenfeld Last month in Kona someone asked me an interesting question. “You obviously love everything about the sport,” this person began, “so when are you going to do an Ironman yourself?” It was a reasonable question to ask and I considered it carefully prior to

Advice for the New Owners 10/2008 Anybody remember Victor Kiam? He’s the guy whose wife bought him a Remington electric razor, a seemingly minor incident which led to one of the most famous catchphrases in modern advertising: “I liked it so much, I bought the company!” True story, but not the last of its kind.

Ironman: A Waste of Energy 4/2009 In a time when condo associations order the stoning death of residents who water their lawns during daylight hours, it’s a wonder Greenpeace hasn’t Zodiac’d its way onto the swim course at the Ford Ironman World Championship and jacked the turnaround boat. Could there possibly be a more blatantly

How to win Ironman…guaranteed 8/2008 I don’t see the point of advice columns by Ironman champions. Just because you won doesn’t mean you know how to win, at least not in ways that you can explain to others. Kind of reminds me of reporters asking those people in the Andes how they lived to be

Beyond Beyond: The Next Unnatural Step 8/2008 by Lee Gruenfeld After watching the Tour de France and the Olympics, it finally dawned on me what the real challenge in international sports competition is: Staying one step ahead of the drug testers. Doing chemicals to improve performance isn’t actually illegal. After all, athletes take a lot

Ambrosia 7/2008 In case you’re not familiar with the term from Greek mythology, “ambrosia” was the food of the gods, carried to Olympus by doves, a divine exhalation of Earth itself that conferred immortality upon whoever drank it. Big deal. Pick up any triathlon magazine and you’ll find ads for tons of stuff that’s not

A Spectator’s Guide to the Ironman 10/2007 There are nine thousand books and ten times that many magazine articles telling you how to train for the Ironman. Remarkably, there is nothing anywhere telling you how to watch the Ironman. What makes this so weird is that there are vastly greater numbers of people who watch

Gag Me With a Spoon: The Artlessness of Athlete Interviews 5/2009 by Lee Gruenfeld Remember that scene in the James Cagney movie “One, Two, Three” in which the East Berlin police torture a suspected spy by playing “Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini” over and over?

The Poor Man’s Ironman 8/2009 by Lee Gruenfeld They call it “Everyman’s Everest.” Right. If by “Everyman” you mean anyone who can afford to pony up half a yard for the entry fee, fly to Kona and live there for a week. I don’t begrudge the entry fee. It takes a lot of money to

Yo, Lance: I’m Talking To You 11/2009  by Lee Gruenfeld Dear Lance: I hear you’re going to be doing Ironman. Neat. But like those women who write their hotel room numbers on their underwear and throw them at Tom Jones, there are triathlon coaches everywhere who are going to be writing their email addresses on

The 500th Anniversary Microsoft Ironman, October 19, 2477 2/2006 Event Summary [Ed. note: You’ll need the latest version of Internet Explorer installed in your brain-implanted chip in order to read this article by direct cerebral injection. If you don’t yet have IE 3467.2, please download it right away by sliding your credit card across your