Kona Karols for Obsessed Competitors
Lee Gruenfeld provides a parody of Christmas carols for Ironman.
October 8th 2008
When we landed in Kona last week, my wife said, "Boy, it's just like Christmas, isn't it?"
A lot of people who race Ironman think the World Championships are like Christmas in October. So why shouldn't The Big One have its very own Christmas-y songs?
SOMEONE DIDN'T FINISH TODAY
(to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")
You drafted all day
Cut corners, too
Drank a bunch of stuff your girlfriend handed to you
Someone didn't finish, today
You shouldn't have blocked
You had no excuse
Your helmet came off "because the buckle was loose?"
Someone didn't finish, today
The marshal saw you drafting
But that's no way to win
He knows that friends have jogged with you
And he's put you in the Bin
Oh…
He's making an "X"
He's marking it twice
He just found out that you're not very nice
Someone didn't finish, today
****************************
O, HOLEY TUBE
(to the tune of "O Holy Night")
O, holey tube
I can't believe you failed me
My tire's flat and I don't have a spare
Where are my tools?
I though I had a sad-dle
I lost that too when I went flying through the air
I, trained so hard
And then
I hit a pot-hole
How dumb can you get?
I feel like I
Am such a schmuck.
Oh…I am screwed
Don't even have a cell
I'm hungry. I'm cold.
And I am eigh-ty miles from home.
Never again
I've had it with triathlon
It's much too hard and my butt is aflame
From now on
I think I'll stick to bowling
It's much more safe and it's just a dime a frame.
****************************
GOD HELP YE, BURNED-OUT TRIATHLETE
(to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen")
God help ye, burned out triathlete, it's time to feel dismay
You trained your butt off all year long to make it to this day
But you forgot to taper and so now you're gonna pay
You're a mess, and you haven't got a prayer, got a prayer
You blew it and you haven't got a prayer.
A million guys have done this race a million times before
There are coaches books and videos and training camps galore
You didn't want to spend the dough and now you're stiff and sore
You thought that you knew better than them all, than them all
You thought that you were smarter than them all.
God speed ye, panicked Ironman, let nothing you delay
You started in October, hope you finish before May
Your training sucked, your will is weak, you're sure you're gonna lose
And for once, you are definitely right, you are right
But don't worry, there is still a way to fight.
When marshals are all out of sight, pass on the right at will
If you don't do it, rest assured, your competition will
There's room up on the podium, there's hardware to be had
There is simply no excuse to finish late, finish late
You have no excuse, it's time to pull your weight.
Some people do the whole Lab, adding minutes to their race
Just duck inside some trees and find a snug and cozy place
To nap and rest your tired legs before you hit the K
Grab the lead and your sponsors will be glad, will be glad
If you win it you'll find they're not even mad.
You know first place is in the bag if you just take the bait
C'mon, you moralistic twit, don't just accept your fate
Think Barry Bonds and Marion Jones, Canseco and McGwire
They're disgraced but every one of them is rich, very rich
They're disgraced but all of them are very rich.
******************************
Elsewhere in the songbook:
O LITTLE TOWN OF KAILUA-KONA
GO TELL IT TO THE MARSHAL
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A NEW FRONT WHEEL
HARK! THE SPONSOR'S CHECKS BUY BLING
IT CAME UPON A MEDICAL TENT
IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE A LIGHT STICK
LITTLE AID STATION BOY
ROCKIN' AROUND THE FINISH LINE
GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY AN ORBEA
And Mike Reilly's new theme song: SILENT NOT