Kona Karols for Obsessed Competitors

Lee Gruenfeld provides a parody of Christmas carols for Ironman.

October 8th 2008

When we landed in Kona last week, my wife said, "Boy, it's just like Christmas, isn't it?"

A lot of people who race Ironman think the World Championships are like Christmas in October. So why shouldn't The Big One have its very own Christmas-y songs?

SOMEONE DIDN'T FINISH TODAY
(to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")

You drafted all day

Cut corners, too

Drank a bunch of stuff your girlfriend handed to you

Someone didn't finish, today

 

You shouldn't have blocked

You had no excuse

Your helmet came off "because the buckle was loose?"

Someone didn't finish, today

 

The marshal saw you drafting

But that's no way to win

He knows that friends have jogged with you

And he's put you in the Bin

 

Oh…

 

He's making an "X"

He's marking it twice

He just found out that you're not very nice

Someone didn't finish, today

 

****************************

O, HOLEY TUBE

(to the tune of "O Holy Night")

 

O, holey tube

I can't believe you failed me

My tire's flat and I don't have a spare

 

Where are my tools?

I though I had a sad-dle

I lost that too when I went flying through the air

 

I, trained so hard

And then

I hit a pot-hole

How dumb can you get?

I feel like I

Am such a schmuck.

 

Oh…I am screwed

Don't even have a cell

I'm hungry. I'm cold.

And I am eigh-ty miles from home.

 

Never again

I've had it with triathlon

It's much too hard and my butt is aflame

 

From now on

I think I'll stick to bowling

It's much more safe and it's just a dime a frame.

 

****************************

GOD HELP YE, BURNED-OUT TRIATHLETE

(to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen")

 

God help ye, burned out triathlete, it's time to feel dismay

You trained your butt off all year long to make it to this day

But you forgot to taper and so now you're gonna pay

You're a mess, and you haven't got a prayer, got a prayer

You blew it and you haven't got a prayer.

 

A million guys have done this race a million times before

There are coaches books and videos and training camps galore

You didn't want to spend the dough and now you're stiff and sore

You thought that you knew better than them all, than them all

You thought that you were smarter than them all.

 

God speed ye, panicked Ironman, let nothing you delay

You started in October, hope you finish before May

Your training sucked, your will is weak, you're sure you're gonna lose

And for once, you are definitely right, you are right

But don't worry, there is still a way to fight.

 

When marshals are all out of sight, pass on the right at will

If you don't do it, rest assured, your competition will

There's room up on the podium, there's hardware to be had

There is simply no excuse to finish late, finish late

You have no excuse, it's time to pull your weight.

 

Some people do the whole Lab, adding minutes to their race

Just duck inside some trees and find a snug and cozy place

To nap and rest your tired legs before you hit the K

Grab the lead and your sponsors will be glad, will be glad

If you win it you'll find they're not even mad.

 

You know first place is in the bag if you just take the bait

C'mon, you moralistic twit, don't just accept your fate

Think Barry Bonds and Marion Jones, Canseco and McGwire

They're disgraced but every one of them is rich, very rich

They're disgraced but all of them are very rich.

 

******************************

Elsewhere in the songbook:

O LITTLE TOWN OF KAILUA-KONA

GO TELL IT TO THE MARSHAL

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A NEW FRONT WHEEL

HARK! THE SPONSOR'S CHECKS BUY BLING

IT CAME UPON A MEDICAL TENT

IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE A LIGHT STICK

LITTLE AID STATION BOY

ROCKIN' AROUND THE FINISH LINE

GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY AN ORBEA

And Mike Reilly's new theme song: SILENT NOT

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