What's Latin for "Ironman?"

2/2006

Every great sporting event tries for an extra touch of class to make the tailgaters think they're really at the opera. The Super Bowl uses Roman numerals in its name (which is going to be a little tough to unravel 43 years from now when it's "Super Bowl LXXXVIII"). Academy Award presenters are no longer permitted to say "The winner is…" because it sounds too much like a NASCAR event, so they say "The Oscar goes to…" instead, which I personally appreciate because every time I heard "And the winner is…" in the old days, I felt like throwing on a John Deere hat, popping a cold one and changing a tire in sixteen seconds flat.

WTC really needs to do something along those lines as well, and my suggestion is that they declare Latin to be the official language of the Ironman. All else aside, they'll get a license fee every time somebody says "nostrum" or "peccadillo" on television.

Once Latin is officially installed as the lingua franca of triathlon's crowning event, people are going to need some help getting used to it. We offer the following to get things kicked off right.

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Non focus intensa, zephyr blasto á kiester.

If you are not careful, the wind will knock you aside.

 

Non gustatoria competitum non gustatoria precompetitum.

"Don't eat anything when racing that you haven't eaten while training."

 

Competitum victoriat velocipedum.

"The race is won on the run."

 

Corrolary: Competitum non victoriat natatorium.

"The swim doesn't mean squat."

 

Initiatato supra velocito, morte rapide.

"It is not a good idea to start out too fast."

 

Voyagemus CCXXVII kilometers initiat cum obtainema locato.

"The journey of 140.6 miles begins with getting a slot."

 

Non dependas casino Ferrous; est suspectemas.

"Don't rely on the Ironman lottery — we hear it's rigged."

 

Non obscura logos adverteria con pedae. Non "paters sucrose," admitta supra DDDM sistersas.

"Keep your feet off the banners at the swim start. If it wasn't for these "sugar daddies, " your entry fee would be $16,000."

 

Certaintente thermo et zephyra et aquaticos — non vocalo par infante obnoxioumas.

"It's going to be hot, windy and humid — deal with it."

 

Non supra aero circolo — blastima á thermo.

"Do not overinflate your tires — they'll explode when it gets hot."

 

N'alia mephisto ontologia nymic "Mons Remitta et Retento." N'alia proviso merde.

Nobody knows why the hell it's called "Pay 'n' Save Hill." Nobody gives a darn, either.

 

Admitta non proviso punctuta gratis.

"Your entry fee doesn't include a free IV."

 

"Larynxo Ironman"callawaus cum doofus maximus.

"Mike Reilly does not putt well."

 

Athletico psychopathalogicas extremis!

"This is a rather curious sport, is it not?"

 

Visio merde! Morte imminenta!

"You look great! Only a few miles to go!"

 

Telefonico IX-I-I immediamenta!

"Good job! Almost home! Hang in there!"

 

Musette del competitorum primum est sextet del Heineken.

"What on earth is that in Peter Reid's special needs bag?"

 

Bitchem grindus toto munda.

"Toughest endurance race in the world."

 

Decorum officio zephyr-vacuuo-assisto nebuloso á vaporum. Disobediementos implicato disqualifactotum.

"The rules on drafting are quite clear. Compliance is advised.."

 

Que filio caninas zephyr-vacuuo-assisto redux, rendus rectum novo.

"If that SOB drafts off me one more time, I'll tear him a new one."

 

Assistimi XVI ex nihilo aqua crocodillo.

"Aid station sixteen just ran out of Gatorade."

 

Necessitum educatus urinario non discontinuum.

"One must learn to accommodate bodily needs without getting off the bike."

 

Pomme-pasta regurgitatocontinuum.

"Boy, I sure love these pierogies!"