Automatic Race Report Generator

There have been thousands of articles written about Ironman. Remarkably, they're all the same. I know, because I've written dozens of them by ripping off other writers. Interestingly, everybody who writes about Ironman thinks he's being original, and spends an awful lot of energy in the process of re-creating the same thing that's been written before. This is wasteful of the kind of talent that could otherwise be spent doing things like writing the same Christmas letter over and over. To save all of you busy writers a lot of time, I've created the "Automatic Race Report Generator."

Just select the options that apply to the race you're covering, and off you go.

This is a trial beta version that's good for ten days. After that it will start generating presidential campaign speeches until you send us $99.95 for the unlock code.

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It's the toughest endurance event in the world, a grueling 140.6-mile slog through the

  • lava fields of Kona
  • cactus-laden desert of Arizona
  • pristine wilderness of Lake Placid
  • swamps of Malaysia
  • darkest canyons of your warped psyche


  • sun-drenched
  • cloud-laden
  • freezing cold
  • steamy hot
  • absurdly early


  • more than 1,500
  • more than 2,000
  • more than 2,500
  • a really big bunch


  • triathletes
  • wannabe triathletes
  • brain-damaged triathletes
  • total whack jobs

from all around the world gathered at

  • the ocean
  • the lake
  • the river
  • the canal
  • Starbucks

to begin a race that, by the end of the day, would

  • show them what they were really made of
  • justify all those months of difficult preparation
  • kill half of them


I've never seen so many people full of

  • passion
  • dedication
  • drive
  • Gatorade
  • serious neuroses

They've spent as much as

  • fifty hours a week cycling
  • twenty hours a week running
  • fifteen hours a week swimming
  • forty hours a week praying
  • $9,000 outfitting a bike and $50,000 trying to qualify
  • a year convincing the family this was all really for them

The toughest endurance event in the world is also the most complex to run. The numbers are staggering, and include

  • four million official Ironman oranges
  • 50,000 tons of official Ironman ice
  • 80,000 "70.3" brand dolphin-safe bananas
  • 850 official Ironman IV drips

but, somehow, every year it

  • runs like a Swiss (whoops: Timex) watch
  • operates as smoothly as a German camera
  • goes off like Mel Gibson

despite the occasional

  • earthquake
  • typhoon
  • tsunami

An Ironman couldn't possibly take place without the help of thousands of volunteers who, astoundingly, work for free, and even pay their own travel expenses, just to drink in some of the

  • Ironman ohana
  • aloha spirit
  • excitement of competition
  • free beer at the awards banquet

We spoke with , one of those hardy and dedicated souls. "Been coming here for

  • 5
  • 10
  • 15
  • too freakin' many

years, by golly. Had the same assignment every year, too, me and the missus,

  • an aid station
  • transition
  • bag check
  • finish line
  • medical tent
  • for free; will somebody explain this to me?

We got started when

  • we were on vacation and bumped into the race by accident
  • my nephew raced and we came over to support him
  • we got off a cruise ship and made a wrong turn at Wal-Mart
  • we thought you got paid

At the award ceremony, the men's champion spoke

  • eloquently
  • passionately
  • endlessly

of his race. "Man, it was really

  • hot
  • humid
  • windy
  • hot and humid
  • hot and windy
  • humid and windy
  • hot, humid and windy
  • tough
  • sucky
  • (or, insert profanity commensurate with your publication's policy)

out there. There was one point where I was sure I was going to

  • get overtaken
  • quit
  • puke
  • die

I still can't believe I won! This is so

  • awesome!
  • awesome!
  • awesome!
  • awesome!
  • awesome!

I have to thank my competition for

  • a superb race
  • pushing me to do my best
  • losing

I owe it all to

  • my coach.
  • myself.
  • caffeine.
  • a burning desire not to have a real job.

Now that I’m the champion, I am definitely going to

  • Disneyland
  • puke
  • quit

But listen: I may be a professional and the winner of this event and the greatest triathlete in history, but that doesn't matter because every single person who crossed that finish line was

  • a winner
  • a finisher
  • behind me
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